goodness; [river/doctor]
Dec. 23rd, 2011 12:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
helishdreamsgoodness, river/doctor, pg, 700
River's not a good person. But she does get points for trying.
(a/n written for![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
crycrywolf.livejournal.com's prompt of the same name)
River’s not a good person. But she does get points for trying.
The Doctor’s always disagreed with her there. But then, that’s always been his greatest weakness. He sees the best of humanity- the best of her - and doesn’t expect anything less. And so there are some things the Doctor can never know about her. Terrible things.
Because the only thing she fears more than losing herself to him, is losing him.
She never did tell him how she’d killed that Dalek. How she’d stared it down, looking into it’s very soul as it stood there, shaking, begging for mercy. And how she’d pulled the trigger regardless, killing it with the least amount of energy to cause it the most amount of pain.
Amy had some idea, of course, which was enough. A simple ‘it died,’ was enough to disguise the majority of the truth, but something always slips through. She couldn’t quite keep the lump in her throat from forming as she thinks of her Doctor.
I don’t care what you think
and
I did it for you.
And it was probably through Amy that her Doctor knows. She returns to him after the wedding, flinging open the TARDIS door with a smile. And he just looks at her. That look. But she keeps the smile on her face, bounding up the stairs, almost crashing into him as she reaches the top.
‘What’s that face for?’
‘River...’ his voice is low, his eyes are dark, and she stops smiling.
‘Amy?’
‘Of course.’
There’s a silence where she looks him in the eye, daring him to speak first. She wins that victory, and speaks, voice hard. ‘Don’t look at me like that. I had to.’
‘You didn’t have to do anything.’
She silently pushes past him, sending the TARDIS into orbit around a nearby sun, trying to ignore his gaze pricking at the back of her neck.
‘There were other ways. Rory could’ve dealt with it. Time was unwinding, it would’ve vanished. It wouldn’t have made it down the stairs. Doors could-’
‘Shut up.’ Her voice cuts over his gentle suggestions, and she turns to face him finally, taking a step towards him. ‘You were dead. It killed you- what was I supposed to do? Let it kill the rest of us too?’
‘Have you been listening at all to what I’m saying? You all would have been fine.’
‘I didn’t want to be fine. I wanted to be alive. I wanted...’ They’re inches apart now, and she’s looking up into his face (his real face, her Doctor), and she trails off, just wanting to pull him into her chest. To hold him like he’s hers.
‘You were punishing me.’ It’s barely a breath, but it’s a breath of realisation. And as soon as it’s out there she knows, on some level, that it’s true. ‘I was killed before, before us.’
She’s ignoring the tears pricking in her eyes, and she’s ignoring the pain in her chest that’s threatening to burst out, but she can’t ignore him. She grants him this one truth. ‘Every time I see you, the past you, time can change. And you- you were gone. Time was unravelling. We would never have met. I would never have... it would all be different.’
‘But you knew I was lying.'
‘But you were hurt.'
And suddenly there’s this little grin playing on his face, and he reaches up to brush a curl from her forehead. ‘River Song, were you... afraid?’
She takes his hand into hers, expression softening. ‘It’s a lot to be afraid of.’ He pulls her into a hug, and she clutches at his back with all her might.
‘I guess one Dalek isn’t that big of a deal,’ he sighs.
And he lets go, and he kisses her, and he forgives her, one last time.
Or so he tells himself.
River's not a good person. But she does get points for trying.
(a/n written for
crycrywolf.livejournal.com's prompt of the same name)River’s not a good person. But she does get points for trying.
The Doctor’s always disagreed with her there. But then, that’s always been his greatest weakness. He sees the best of humanity- the best of her - and doesn’t expect anything less. And so there are some things the Doctor can never know about her. Terrible things.
Because the only thing she fears more than losing herself to him, is losing him.
She never did tell him how she’d killed that Dalek. How she’d stared it down, looking into it’s very soul as it stood there, shaking, begging for mercy. And how she’d pulled the trigger regardless, killing it with the least amount of energy to cause it the most amount of pain.
Amy had some idea, of course, which was enough. A simple ‘it died,’ was enough to disguise the majority of the truth, but something always slips through. She couldn’t quite keep the lump in her throat from forming as she thinks of her Doctor.
I don’t care what you think
and
I did it for you.
And it was probably through Amy that her Doctor knows. She returns to him after the wedding, flinging open the TARDIS door with a smile. And he just looks at her. That look. But she keeps the smile on her face, bounding up the stairs, almost crashing into him as she reaches the top.
‘What’s that face for?’
‘River...’ his voice is low, his eyes are dark, and she stops smiling.
‘Amy?’
‘Of course.’
There’s a silence where she looks him in the eye, daring him to speak first. She wins that victory, and speaks, voice hard. ‘Don’t look at me like that. I had to.’
‘You didn’t have to do anything.’
She silently pushes past him, sending the TARDIS into orbit around a nearby sun, trying to ignore his gaze pricking at the back of her neck.
‘There were other ways. Rory could’ve dealt with it. Time was unwinding, it would’ve vanished. It wouldn’t have made it down the stairs. Doors could-’
‘Shut up.’ Her voice cuts over his gentle suggestions, and she turns to face him finally, taking a step towards him. ‘You were dead. It killed you- what was I supposed to do? Let it kill the rest of us too?’
‘Have you been listening at all to what I’m saying? You all would have been fine.’
‘I didn’t want to be fine. I wanted to be alive. I wanted...’ They’re inches apart now, and she’s looking up into his face (his real face, her Doctor), and she trails off, just wanting to pull him into her chest. To hold him like he’s hers.
‘You were punishing me.’ It’s barely a breath, but it’s a breath of realisation. And as soon as it’s out there she knows, on some level, that it’s true. ‘I was killed before, before us.’
She’s ignoring the tears pricking in her eyes, and she’s ignoring the pain in her chest that’s threatening to burst out, but she can’t ignore him. She grants him this one truth. ‘Every time I see you, the past you, time can change. And you- you were gone. Time was unravelling. We would never have met. I would never have... it would all be different.’
‘But you knew I was lying.'
‘But you were hurt.'
And suddenly there’s this little grin playing on his face, and he reaches up to brush a curl from her forehead. ‘River Song, were you... afraid?’
She takes his hand into hers, expression softening. ‘It’s a lot to be afraid of.’ He pulls her into a hug, and she clutches at his back with all her might.
‘I guess one Dalek isn’t that big of a deal,’ he sighs.
And he lets go, and he kisses her, and he forgives her, one last time.
Or so he tells himself.
